Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
