I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
