She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
