Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In other news, I just burned my penis
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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