I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
