I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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