I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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