News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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