thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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