I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
