I wish I only lived at night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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