Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
