my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
