do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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