So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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