Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
