When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
