Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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