Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
