Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
