I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
