he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
