Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They have beer where we have blood.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
