I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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