it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
