After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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