After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
