I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
