dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
