The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
