I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
