If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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