You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
