Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
