all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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