just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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