I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You've changed since you got that strap on
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