mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
