She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
