Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
