I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sponge bath it is.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is my gift to your gina
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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