Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she told me i tasted like america
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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