how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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