It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
