I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
