Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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