u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
