I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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