If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
