Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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