I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
